Oh yeah, November marks the month that i first went to club! hehehe. and i kinda like it, frankly. i like going into a crowd, being able to go high, go wild, dance my heart out without anyone judging me. Although many unexpected stuff happened but it was still fun! of course, going with the right company is also very important. am glad and grateful that I had my YOLO buddy protecting me on both nights. Yay to my YOLO buddy :) went to Avalon on the first night with le khakis and Heli on the second night :). Make alot of new friends. (didn't expect clubbing to bring so many friends together HAHA). can't wait for my next partying session OHYEAH.

Secondly,

the long awaited Gala, got 7 golds and 2 silvers. (most medal tally so far in my years in dancesport) satisfied. i guess the only time someone will see me smiling brightly with my teeth is during dance. and i guess that pic is the best one yet. have never seen myself smile so radiantly before. and i know some of y'all would prolly feel shocked that the person in that pic is me. because i dun even feel nor believe that the person in that pic is me.  and my hair was cui like anything. 5 golds with dear hilary and 4 medals with sean. feeling happy as i see myself outdoing myself, even though Gala is not a good platform for gauging but i shall use this as a little moral booster and work harder for next comp! OHOH, i finally got the chnace to take a pic with Luigi!! omggg, FAINTS. teehee.

Thirdly,

Pain i felt physically, as me being me, was clumsy and careless again. fell on my backbone/tailbone when  i was ice skating 2 weeks before gala. the pain was that excruciating that it went up to my head and i felt as if i was gonna faint on the ice. hurts even more whenever i had to force myself to dance. YET THANK GOD FOR THE MAGICAL CREAM THAT AUGGIE GAVE. le counterpain. i would've died horribly if it wasn't for that cream. the 2 weeks was just like hell, especially when i had to prac hard for gala and wasn't never up to performance and was so afraid that it would affect my performance at gala but it didn't so thank God. it went to points that the pain was so unbearable that i just had to sit down and not move at all. though it hadn't exactly fully recovered yet, cus it still hurts whenever it's too cold. but at least its much better now :)

Pain that i felt emotionally. well i guess it kinda accumulated for a while now. i mean, even though i tell myself that it's time to put it behind me, some unhappiness still remains no matter how much you say that it's not worth getting upset about, it still does affect you one way or another. the pain i felt when my family called me useless and stupid, pain i felt when i see someone else in pain, pain when i felt disregarded, used, thrown aside. different types of pain i faced through a span time of one month. 

"Pain changes a person"

I guess, in my case, it kinda did. it made me build walls towards those people that created and inflicted the pain on me. i couldn't let go of pain as easily. which was bad cus it kinda made me feel worse every minute and i just felt like everyday will be the same as the last, and just look at the entire day negatively. but after the series of  events ended, i told myself firmly that it was time to let go of all the negativity, all the pain, all the unhappiness and just let myself be a happier person. at least i hope to be.

Fourthly,

as i went through, what i deemed the worse period of my life (because i felt like cow dung every single day), i've explode countless of times, shed gallons of tears, cus of stress, of misunderstandings, of suppressed feelings, guilt, people's feelings. feeling used, unwanted, unappreciated, feeling like a used plastic bag, an insignificant speck of dust. felt so much like putting everything down and just leaving this dreaded place. cried myself to sleep too many times to count. felt so weak for letting myself cry so much. but yet i couldn't control at most times. just like the thing 2 days ago, i just felt that i was recognised, acknowledged, because i'm able to do things, solve shit. i was acknowledged because i couldn't say no. so if i'm one that can't solve shit, can't be on standby 24/7, would you still think i'm important then? i guess not.

tears shed from feeling guilty that i caused so much shit because of my selfish decision, tears shed from being judged on something that i felt no one had the right to. feeling like such a bad person that i caused shit. still feel extremely guilty everytime someone brings it up :/

But now, i'm gonna stand firm and say, "No more tears Eli, you're stronger than what you deem yourself to be. You have beautiful wonderful friends that never judge you and accept you as a whole, a loving gran, loving aunt, loving cuz, loving mom. there's so much more in life to smile about. wipe those tears, pick yourself up, and stand strong. tomorrow will always be a better day"

which brings me tooo...

Lastly,

gotta thank all these peeps for returning smiles back to my face. ♥ 

Mok, Kaiwen, Kelly for giving me never ending support, all those encouraging words and free warm hugs. Aug for listening to my long stories time and time again, comforting, encouraging and cheering me up. thank kew budday. Minmin and Joel for listening to me, minmin giving me hugs whenever the day gets cold, and Joel for words of concern time and time again. Thank you, and am so glad that i have TDC :) and Ting Wei! for believing in me and encouraging me on!

thank you guys. so so much ♥

so for them, i will smile. i will be better. i'm gonna be that cheerful eli again. the girl with the radiant smile. 

alright. body is screaming at me to get rest. so goodnight. until next time.